Win an argument and lose a friend. I am sure a lot of us have heard this adage. It was pointed out to me by my father when I was a teenager. However, over the years I have not paid much heed to it. One time I did think about it, and have been careful ever since, was when a new friend got offended because I was critical of his political beliefs. He was really upset with me for being critical and the problem got exacerbated because I think he saw the truth in my argument. I was being brilliant, I made the perfect argument, but to what avail. It cost me a budding friendship.
So what was the argument about, to be honest I have forgotten what we argued about. The best part of it is that I am totally apolitical. Yes, I do vote, and I try to do it as intelligently as I can, but aside from that, I don’t have the conviction to do anything more.
The problem is that we all have a competitive steak in us and when we are arguing about something we tend to become competitive and want to win the argument for the sake of winning the argument.
I want to suggest that winning arguments is not important. It is a hollow victory. So at least when it comes to Political Debates, I don’t have them with my friends. I prefer to keep my friends.
Ok so what about arguments over non-political issues ?? Is it ok to win arguments in a business or work situation or in life with say your better half ?
I think the adage applies to all areas of life. If you want to “win” an argument someone else is going to be the loser. If you want to actually convince someone of your point of view arguing is probably the worst way to accomplish it. So what should you do ?
The trick then is to be persuasive and not argumentative.
I go back to my favourite author Dale Carnegie. His book “How to win friends and influence people” has many ways in which to be persuasive. I will mention my top three here. Then I would suggest you read the book.
The Secret of Socrates: “In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasising – and keep on emphasising – the things on which you agree. Keep emphasising, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.” – Dale Carnegie.
2. The Power of Suggestion: People prefer to think that what they are doing was their idea. So don’t ram your idea down their throat. Instead wouldn’t it be better to make a suggestion and let the other person work out their own conclusions. Once they have, avoid the urge to take credit for it.
3. Be a good listener: “Let the other people talk themselves out.” Ask them questions and let them reply. No matter how much you want to – Don’t interrupt them. “Listen patiently and with an open mind. Encourage them to express their ideas fully”. This works in family situations as well as in business.
I leave you to think about this. If you want to be persuasive, I really suggest you read the Book. Being Persuasive is a skill that will last you a life time.
On Being Persuasive
